Why Does My Child Only Listen When I’m Angry?

Allow me to share a little tale with you:  

Once upon a time, there were a couple of local giants who would fall asleep right in the middle of the village.  You would think the relatively tiny people of the village would be terrified to wake those giants, but because they fell asleep so often, they began to make it a game!  Who could wake the Giants?  So, as the villagers went about their day and had to walk past what threatened them most, they began to enjoy the element of risk and began timidly poking the giants to see if they could rouse them. The giants would stir a bit, and if you listened carefully, you could hear a low grumbly threat, “Don’t poke the giant, or else!” Yet, nothing would happen.  So the villagers became bolder in their approach to wake the sleeping giants, until after a length of time, and a number of repeated threats, there was the one last poke that evoked a response.  Suddenly, the giant's eyes would spring open, revealing fiery glares! Rising up, towering over the little people of the village, the giants would begin to roar in their anger! And the villagers would scatter as quickly as possible, disappearing into their cottages and stores, hiding in the darkest corners with the hopes of becoming invisible to their seekers.  But the little villagers had pushed the giants to their limit of repeated threats, and now they would pay!

Dad and mom… Does this little tale have a familiar ring? Is this a picture of what is happening in our homes on a daily basis?  Do you find yourself asking this common question?

“Why do my children only listen when I’m angry?” 

If we parents are acting like the sleeping giants, allowing daily sinful behaviors to go unnoticed, or untrained, only responding when we've finally had it… Then we have literally trained our children to obey ONLY when they are in fear.  The core of the problem is that parents believe that responding when they have been pushed to their limit is acceptable parenting. In reality, this is the unbiblical tactic used in most homes and does not reflect God’s own image of parenting.

Our kids become so accustomed to being able to freely push and poke and cross their boundaries with empty threats and no consequence for their actions, that it’s become their game to see how far they can push you. Of course, under these circumstances, parents are finally roused and play right into the daily game. After all, given their disrespectful behavior, they deserve it, right?!  Motivated by anger and frustrations, you’re intent on setting your kids straight and making them pay for what they just put you through.  But this is simply a game of the flesh. 

To see if we are getting caught in this unbiblical game… Let’s evaluate: 

1. Do you give instructions and allow your child to guess when it’s ok to disobey without consequence?

As Christians, God tells us not to swear falsely, but to perform to the Lord what you have sworn, and let your “yes” be your yes and your “no” be your no (Matt. 5.33, 37).  This means that when we give an instruction to our children, we need to be committed to our God-ordained job of parenting and say what we mean, and mean what we say.  If our children don’t follow through, we are to consistently train their hearts through consequence. 

 2. Do you have acceptable levels of disobedience before you determine it’s time to jump into action? 

God doesn’t.  He cannot look upon sin (Hab. 1:13), so, in order to help our children understand how seriously God takes sin, we must not accept “acceptable” levels of disobedience, dishonesty, or violence.  We must respond to sin, not because we’re fed up, but because it is an offense to God. As our children learn the seriousness of sin and grow to overcome it, their lives will go well. (Eph 6:1-3)

3. Do you threaten and repeat your instructions multiple times, leading you to become frustrated and angry?

As we try to talk and threaten our children out of misbehaving, we are only inviting them to push us multiple times before we reach our breaking point.  We become sinful and angry... and they become terrified.  It’s an adrenaline game, and leaves the child enjoying the thrill of disobedience, even as it leads to mistrust and fear of their parents.  

If you find yourself caught in any of these habits, you may be in deeper sin than the kids, because Christian parenting is not meant to play out as a power bigger and stronger than the children.  

Biblical parenting is about the future of your children, not about punishing them for their past actions.  We must remember, like us, they are born sinners and are under our care and authority for the purpose of discipling them in moral knowledge and responsibility, to produce future citizens who will be a benefit to their families and to others in this broken world.  When they sin, it gives parents a little peek into the child's heart and an opportunity to help the child overcome that sin.  With moral maturity (the ability to make biblical choices) steadily trained, they may go on to live life on God’s terms, and if God wills, they may bow their knee to Christ, ultimately becoming citizens of Heaven who love God with all their heart, soul, and mind and love their neighbor as themself (Matt. 22:37-40) 

But how then do we do this?  It begins with a heart of understanding that consequences for sinful actions are not a response to the final poke that pushed you to the limit…  Consequences, when consistently, reasonably, carefully, and thoughtfully applied, are actually the God-ordained mechanism used for the biblical purpose of moving the heart from puffed-up pride (unteachable) to a humble learner; trading out sinfulness for a pattern of sinning less.

When we trust God with his ordained system of action equals consequence, we find our right motivation as God’s agents in our children’s lives.  We no longer act as the “waking giants” but become faithfully consistent in applying consequences for every act of rebellion, dishonesty, or violence (including hateful words and physical aggression).  We apply consequences based on the sin (not on our boiling point), and in faith towards God. This results in a child’s transition to godly character as they reflect respect, self-discipline, integrity, and compassion.  Our children grow in wisdom and discernment… rather than fear.  They gain an understanding of how God’s world works and become equipped to properly conquer the trials and challenges ahead in a way that brings confident living and glory to God. They become successful in living as they grow in the peace that results from trusting God’s ways.

If we desire this lifestyle for our children’s future, we must turn off the noise from parenting experts who are so influenced by worldly, psychologically driven “solutions” and excuses.  We can recognize they have a lot to say, but when they conflict with God's word, there will be no lasting results, leading the next generation to live further away from the wisdom of God.  As Christians, we must ask ourselves, why would we need anything more than God’s ways?  His love for us, to the point of death for our salvation, should be sufficient to gain our trust and our recognition that He knows exactly how to get the best results for the lives of all His children. Do we trust Him enough to obey Him? 

1 Timothy 3:16-17 says:

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

If you would like more help, please consider joining us in a Training Hearts for Jesus biblical parenting class.

For more help in applying consequences, read this blog:  Discovering Related Consequences.

Sharon Cannavo